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I have many things to tell y'all, so buckle in, and lets begin with it all...
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1.) Summer vacation and its ending.
I went down to see my maternal family in the lower part of my state for three weeks. This helped me change mentally and physically. I was able to get my hair highlighted, my nails redone (which I have filled in since), and new clothes. Mentally, I was able to unwind from stress I was feeling and have a bit of pampering, since all of my siblings live with my parents (with the exception of my oldest brother- who has moved out).
I spent the remainder of my summer laying about and relaxing. I gathered school supplies and mourned the end of the vacation when it came.
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2.) Senior Year
I am now a Senior. Amazing, isn't it? I am in my last year of high school (hence, "finales" in the title). I have had many, many moments of nostalgia, even though the year has only begun for a little over a week.
Everything I do this year will be my last. The last year of walking those halls, of being with all of those people, of doing those events...It makes me very, very excited for the future, but also very, very sad. Sometimes many times I want this year to be over quickly, but many times, I know that time is going by way too fast.
I know, though it doesn't always seem that way, that this school year will be over before I know it. I plan to go to as many events as possible (despite the anxiety).
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3.) College
I was incredibly doubtful over the past couple of years that I would even go to college. The way my mother spoke of the scholarships and of the finances in general, it left me in a state of panic, and feeling as though my only other choice was a grocery store job that would crush my dreams. My anxiety would kick in, and I got to the point where I quit talking to her about it.
However, during the time I went to visit my maternal family, they explained that I had other options to pay for college, and presented the options my mom presented prior in a way that panicked me less.
Now, I have two colleges I will apply for. They are both in-state, though in two different towns. I will move out for both, despite one being only 30 minutes from my house. (I feel like independence is a crucial aspect to learning "how to adult," because I will have to do it at some point, and that being out from under my parents will decrease my stress significantly: both when I start college and in general.)
-------------------------------------------------------
4.) My Physical Health
Physically, I have been doing alright, although there are a few downfalls I have experienced over the last few days to a week. My legs, due to all of the walking, have been in some pain, describable as throbbing or tingling in nature. This is to be expected due to my CP and the distance between classes.
I also experienced seizures, so I began to take two of my tablets, and while that helped the more noticeable seizures, I still have had to endure more mild twitches and shakes. This can be an issue because I am having to push myself mentally, and I cannot be trying "take a time out" to relax during class, wherein I stop my work. It can also increase frustration and stress and lead to draining on me mentally.
------------------------------------------------------
6.) Mental Health
My mental health...I am unsure of as to how it is doing. I have days where I feel pretty good, and on top of the world. I am able to greet my teachers, past and present, with a genuine joy. As I mentioned prior, I have an excitement for the future that makes me want to beg the days to pass.
And yet, since school has returned I come home tired and lacking in energy, save to sleep. By the last classes, I am looking at the clock, pleading with it to hit 3:45 pm, so that I can stop trying to use what little battery I have left. I fall asleep on the bus almost as soon as I sit down.
I also feel wary...I have a constant fear that I will hit a wall like I did during the last school year, which keeps me paranoid of every move I make. I find myself terrified of myself, worried that I will sink and grow to hate school again...
There is also a strange sense of suffocation. As I mentioned prior, I want to move out for college, and this is a huge contributor to that. Every day I spend in this house, I feel is though its a chokehold. I love my parents, but I feel that their rules and watchful eyes are unbearable much of the time. It's not that I am a rebellious kid, staying after curfew (I never go anywhere, nor do anything)- but it is just the tiny rules that get under my skin, that make me think that could be different should I have my own rules.
I also feel that I am often unsatisfactory- or, at least, a nuisance- in my parents' eyes. Things like taking up laundry or taking out the garbage I forget to do, I forget because I am just that type of person. A forgetful one. My parents made me a list, which is set upon my wall, but I do not use it. At first, this w as because I felt it a bit degrading, that they felt the need to make me a detailed list, like a child (I admit, I still feel it a bit of a knock down- but not nearly as much so), but now I just...I just don't. I don't know whether it's because I actually forget to look, or just because my mind is so occupied otherwise.
Either way, my mother now says I won't be able to live on my own, being that I'm unable to act my age, a feeling that knocks to my (already low) self-esteem. Others have said I am very mature for my age. That I am just forgetful is just a part of who I am. Should it be worked on? Perhaps. But that doesn't take away from my maturity.
**Tidbit: Creative people actually are shown to be much more forgetful than others. This is because we are often daydreaming, or trying to come up with so many ideas at once. As my Art I teacher put it: "It's like having 3,000 computer tabs open- all at the same time."
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7.) Twitter
During the time I was away, I had turned my twitter into a political page. I express my thoughts and ideas there- but I also post poems every now and again. (I also retweet YouTube stuff and other things I find funny or interesting.)
I tend to be a lot more, shall I say, brash on there, since politics tends to "fire me up," but if you are interested, you can follow me: Zelda85044 for all of the "happenings" and craziness.
----------------------------------------------------------
~Last Thoughts...
All around, I did not plan on being away for so long, but perhaps some good has come of it- since I have been able to come back with a good many updates.
I will be posting some poems and other stuffies today, but I must remind you that my posting schedule is going to be even more wild due to school. I will do what I can, though. (I say, before not updating for 6 months.
)
Anyways, on to the writing!
Peace, Love, and Grace from Above:
Zelda
----------------------------------------------------
1.) Summer vacation and its ending.
I went down to see my maternal family in the lower part of my state for three weeks. This helped me change mentally and physically. I was able to get my hair highlighted, my nails redone (which I have filled in since), and new clothes. Mentally, I was able to unwind from stress I was feeling and have a bit of pampering, since all of my siblings live with my parents (with the exception of my oldest brother- who has moved out).
I spent the remainder of my summer laying about and relaxing. I gathered school supplies and mourned the end of the vacation when it came.
------------------------------------------------------
2.) Senior Year
I am now a Senior. Amazing, isn't it? I am in my last year of high school (hence, "finales" in the title). I have had many, many moments of nostalgia, even though the year has only begun for a little over a week.
Everything I do this year will be my last. The last year of walking those halls, of being with all of those people, of doing those events...It makes me very, very excited for the future, but also very, very sad. Sometimes
I know, though it doesn't always seem that way, that this school year will be over before I know it. I plan to go to as many events as possible (despite the anxiety).
-----------------------------------------------------
3.) College
I was incredibly doubtful over the past couple of years that I would even go to college. The way my mother spoke of the scholarships and of the finances in general, it left me in a state of panic, and feeling as though my only other choice was a grocery store job that would crush my dreams. My anxiety would kick in, and I got to the point where I quit talking to her about it.
However, during the time I went to visit my maternal family, they explained that I had other options to pay for college, and presented the options my mom presented prior in a way that panicked me less.
Now, I have two colleges I will apply for. They are both in-state, though in two different towns. I will move out for both, despite one being only 30 minutes from my house. (I feel like independence is a crucial aspect to learning "how to adult," because I will have to do it at some point, and that being out from under my parents will decrease my stress significantly: both when I start college and in general.)
-------------------------------------------------------
4.) My Physical Health
Physically, I have been doing alright, although there are a few downfalls I have experienced over the last few days to a week. My legs, due to all of the walking, have been in some pain, describable as throbbing or tingling in nature. This is to be expected due to my CP and the distance between classes.
I also experienced seizures, so I began to take two of my tablets, and while that helped the more noticeable seizures, I still have had to endure more mild twitches and shakes. This can be an issue because I am having to push myself mentally, and I cannot be trying "take a time out" to relax during class, wherein I stop my work. It can also increase frustration and stress and lead to draining on me mentally.
------------------------------------------------------
6.) Mental Health
My mental health...I am unsure of as to how it is doing. I have days where I feel pretty good, and on top of the world. I am able to greet my teachers, past and present, with a genuine joy. As I mentioned prior, I have an excitement for the future that makes me want to beg the days to pass.
And yet, since school has returned I come home tired and lacking in energy, save to sleep. By the last classes, I am looking at the clock, pleading with it to hit 3:45 pm, so that I can stop trying to use what little battery I have left. I fall asleep on the bus almost as soon as I sit down.
I also feel wary...I have a constant fear that I will hit a wall like I did during the last school year, which keeps me paranoid of every move I make. I find myself terrified of myself, worried that I will sink and grow to hate school again...
There is also a strange sense of suffocation. As I mentioned prior, I want to move out for college, and this is a huge contributor to that. Every day I spend in this house, I feel is though its a chokehold. I love my parents, but I feel that their rules and watchful eyes are unbearable much of the time. It's not that I am a rebellious kid, staying after curfew (I never go anywhere, nor do anything)- but it is just the tiny rules that get under my skin, that make me think that could be different should I have my own rules.
I also feel that I am often unsatisfactory- or, at least, a nuisance- in my parents' eyes. Things like taking up laundry or taking out the garbage I forget to do, I forget because I am just that type of person. A forgetful one. My parents made me a list, which is set upon my wall, but I do not use it. At first, this w as because I felt it a bit degrading, that they felt the need to make me a detailed list, like a child (I admit, I still feel it a bit of a knock down- but not nearly as much so), but now I just...I just don't. I don't know whether it's because I actually forget to look, or just because my mind is so occupied otherwise.
Either way, my mother now says I won't be able to live on my own, being that I'm unable to act my age, a feeling that knocks to my (already low) self-esteem. Others have said I am very mature for my age. That I am just forgetful is just a part of who I am. Should it be worked on? Perhaps. But that doesn't take away from my maturity.
**Tidbit: Creative people actually are shown to be much more forgetful than others. This is because we are often daydreaming, or trying to come up with so many ideas at once. As my Art I teacher put it: "It's like having 3,000 computer tabs open- all at the same time."
--------------------------------------------------------
7.) Twitter
During the time I was away, I had turned my twitter into a political page. I express my thoughts and ideas there- but I also post poems every now and again. (I also retweet YouTube stuff and other things I find funny or interesting.)
I tend to be a lot more, shall I say, brash on there, since politics tends to "fire me up," but if you are interested, you can follow me: Zelda85044 for all of the "happenings" and craziness.
----------------------------------------------------------
~Last Thoughts...
All around, I did not plan on being away for so long, but perhaps some good has come of it- since I have been able to come back with a good many updates.
I will be posting some poems and other stuffies today, but I must remind you that my posting schedule is going to be even more wild due to school. I will do what I can, though. (I say, before not updating for 6 months.
)Anyways, on to the writing!
Peace, Love, and Grace from Above:
Zelda
Yes, This is Another One of THOSE Journals...
Hey, guys!
I'm back - for how long? I have no idea...Until I have to make a following journal that says: "I'm grounded again!" let's just enjoy the time I'm on here, eh?
Anyways...
So, here's the update since I last was here:
School:
Do I even want to discuss this? Yes, I know I should, but...*le sigh* My grades are dropping to not very great levels and I'm definitely experiencing "senioritis" - I just want to be done already! I'm tired of having my mom over my shoulder fussing constantly and threatening to call the school to withdraw me. (Yes, she's actually done that.) I will be so thrilled when the last school bell rings and I know th
Yet, Again, It's Been Forever...
Hey guys (and girls!)
It's been such a long time! I believe it was the beginning of the year that I updated y'all on what was up with me. So, here's yet another update...
Firstly, to explain my absence:
In short: I've been grounded.
In long terms: My grades dropped (very badly) due to lack of motivation and depression (and, yes, a bit of laziness), and I stopped working hard. My mom found out, was furious, and I have been grounded since then. I've been pushing to make up the work and bring up my grades, but it is definitely exhausting, and has definitely made my Senior year less than stellar.
At least I have 5 months left...
In other ne
Brief Update!
Hey, y'all!
I just wanted to make some quick updates explaining what's happening on my page and what I've been up to, just so you know, and because I actually felt "in the mood" to write a journal for once.
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1. Poetry Updates:
I have been writing a lot of poetry lately! I have gone insanely long chunks where I don't post and it bothers me, so I try to post as much poetry as I can. I know you guys (and gals!) enjoy it, and it satisfies me to keep the content flowing regularly.
The poems are also, as always, very personal. This is on purpose. My deviantART was originally created as a sa
Eighteen and Celebrating!
("Wow, Zelda, 2 journals nearly back-to-back?! Has the apocalypse come?!"
Why, yes, yes, it has. You should board up your windows and hide under your covers and pray. :XD:)
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So, as the journal states:
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!
It's crazy, knowing that I am a year older today. It feels like more than a year has passed since my last birthday. So much has happened, from being diagnosed with epilepsy to coming out to performing at my first open mic night...
And y'all...
Each of you is like family to me, supporting me through the rough times and cheering me
© 2016 - 2024 Zelda85044
Comments1
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Wow so many things going on!
First of all, hi! Long time no see!
As for your school and uni problems, I understand them perfectly since my dad is the same way as your mum. It's either uni, or you've got no future. thanksparentswhospewwhaevertheyhaveontheirmindsnotrealisingornotwantingtorealisethattheirchildrenhavelowselfesteemsandnowhaveevenloweronesthankstoyourbs *gasp* but I digress. Some parents are just insane jerks >:I
What I've recently found to work when I start stressing about life or school or about the "future" in general, is to take every day as it comes and think of maximum a week ahead. I know it's hard when you have parents blabbing on about it all the time and you're in your final year, but just say "ok" and then shrug it off. It's worked wonders on my poor little brain
Third, Congrats on wanting to go to uni!
I think it very brave of you to want to take the step of moving out, because it's a tough one. Also, BS about you not being able to live on your own! If anyone can, girly, it's you!
Besides, it's because we live with our parents that we forget to do chores, because we know that someone will do whether we get to it or not. When you live on your own though, you CAN'T forget these things, because no one else will do them, so there's not that subconscious laziness playing at our brain. And another thing, even if you do forget to do certain things, eventually they'll form part of the routine, because that internal responsibility will kick in.
At least...that's how I felt when I moved in on my own for the first time. It just be me on this one...
Anywho, you go girl! I know you can do it
Is that all I wanted to say...? *scrolls up to check* Yup, I think that's about it. Sorry for the essay by the way...
Good luck with everything and if you wanna talk, you can always message me
First of all, hi! Long time no see!
As for your school and uni problems, I understand them perfectly since my dad is the same way as your mum. It's either uni, or you've got no future. thanksparentswhospewwhaevertheyhaveontheirmindsnotrealisingornotwantingtorealisethattheirchildrenhavelowselfesteemsandnowhaveevenloweronesthankstoyourbs *gasp* but I digress. Some parents are just insane jerks >:I
What I've recently found to work when I start stressing about life or school or about the "future" in general, is to take every day as it comes and think of maximum a week ahead. I know it's hard when you have parents blabbing on about it all the time and you're in your final year, but just say "ok" and then shrug it off. It's worked wonders on my poor little brain
Third, Congrats on wanting to go to uni!
I think it very brave of you to want to take the step of moving out, because it's a tough one. Also, BS about you not being able to live on your own! If anyone can, girly, it's you!
Besides, it's because we live with our parents that we forget to do chores, because we know that someone will do whether we get to it or not. When you live on your own though, you CAN'T forget these things, because no one else will do them, so there's not that subconscious laziness playing at our brain. And another thing, even if you do forget to do certain things, eventually they'll form part of the routine, because that internal responsibility will kick in.
At least...that's how I felt when I moved in on my own for the first time. It just be me on this one...
Anywho, you go girl! I know you can do it
Is that all I wanted to say...? *scrolls up to check* Yup, I think that's about it. Sorry for the essay by the way...
Good luck with everything and if you wanna talk, you can always message me